


A Technician and a Smeghead

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M, Romantic smeg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 08:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16404653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Lister’s love of romantic movies has always baffled Rimmer, but could come in handy when the Scouser could use a bit of cheering up.





	A Technician and a Smeghead

**Author's Note:**

> https://youtu.be/goikm-zX9r8
> 
> This is the scene I’m ripping off, from “An Officer and a Gentleman,” as it’s exactly the sort of sappy romantic movie Lister loves.

As the credits rolled on the film he’d been watching, Lister blew his nose in a grubby handkerchief, then wiped his eyes with the back of a gloved hand. “How romantic,” he sniffled. 

Without looking up from his book, Rimmer mumbled something that could possibly be taken as a response.

Feeling a bit emotional, and wanting a comforting cuddle from his partner, Lister sighed loudly, and repeated, “How romantic, his carrying her off like that at the end.” He sniffled again for emphasis, looking shyly over at the hologram curled up at the other end of the sofa.

“Mmm,” Rimmer replied, still reading. 

“Are you even listening to me, man?” Lister hauled one leg up onto the sofa and nudged Rimmer’s thigh with his foot. 

“Wha..? Yes, of course I am, you modo. Now, get your smegging boot off me.” Irked, Rimmer laid his book on his lap and scowled at his partner. 

“Then, what was I sayin’?” 

Rimmer hesitated, then sputtered, “Fine - I admit it. I wasn’t paying attention to that sentimental smeg. Wait - are you crying?” Rolling his eyes, he slid across the sofa and gathered Lister into an embrace. “For the love of Io, you’re such a soppy little goit. Now, what are you carrying on about?”

The Scouser snuggled into his hologram’s warmth. “Here - you need to see this.” He restarted the film just before the final scene, saying, “Watch - you’ll see.” A few minutes later, he looked up at Rimmer with freshly teary eyes. “He went to her job and carried her off in front of all her mates to prove he loved her. Isn’t that romantic?” 

Rimmer snorted. “Romantic? It’s ridiculous if you ask me. I counted no fewer than twelve Space Corps health and safety directive violations. He’ll also be responsible for her getting the sack. True love, that.”

Lister couldn’t help a watery chuckle. “You have no heart, ya smegger.”

“I do so. Two, if you count my bee.” Rimmer nuzzled Lister’s curls fondly, and kissed his temple. “Besides, if I didn’t have a heart, I wouldn’t love you, you silly, overly emotional gimboid.”

“True.” Lister settled into Rimmer’s lap with a contented sigh, and switched the television back on, as Rimmer resumed reading.

———

Lister wandered into the drive room one afternoon several weeks later, where Cat and Kryten were occupying themselves at their customary workstations. Since Holly had been brought back online, there was no real need for the Dwarfers to take watches, but they still congregated in the drive room out of habit and for something to do. Looking up at him, Cat asked, “Not that I care, but where’s Goalpost Head? He’s usually following you around like a dumb dog.”

Shrugging, Lister replied, “Don’t know, man. I haven’t seen him since this morning. He’s probably down hiking the diesel decks, or repainting the corridors ocean gray, or polishing his smegging boots again.”

Cat arched an elegant brow at Lister’s annoyed tone. “Trouble in paradise, Bud?”

“Nah - well, yeah. He’s been a total smegger for a couple of days now.”

“That’s new, how?”

Lister sighed. “It’s not. It’s probably more me than him, really. I’ve been a bit down for a few days, because it’s the boys’ birthday today, but he hasn’t seemed to notice, and just keeps moaning at me about the usual stupid smeg. It’s like the git doesn’t even care.”

Kryten indignantly cut in, “That’s because Mr. Rimmer isn’t good enough for you, Sir! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, he’s not worthy of you!”

“Krytes, please, man. Not now.” Lister sagged into his seat and halfheartedly logged onto his workstation. As Kryten leaned over and patted his shoulder in apology, he reached up and squeezed the mech’s rubbery hand in thanks. “At least you guys are here for me.”

The three pretended to work for an hour or so, chatting about nonsense as Kryten and Cat tried to cheer up Lister.

“You know, Bud, although I’d still go with Wilma, I’m thinking Jessica Rabbit is better looking.”

”You what? Jessica couldn’t hold a candle to Wilma Flintstone, man. Besides, she’s not leaving Roger any more than Wilma’s leaving Fred.”

“Sirs, honestly! Rosie the Robot Maid is much more attractive than either of them! Now, there’s a woman who can give a mechanoid a double Polaroid!”

Holly appeared on the monitors, interrupting their debate. “Attention, please,” she announced. “Officer on deck.”

“Smeg off, Hol. The only officery one around here is Rimmer, self-appointed Acting Senior Commanding Grand Poobah and King of the Smegheads Officer, and he’s not here,” Lister scoffed.

“Officer on deck,” Holly repeated, as Rimmer strode into the drive room, resplendent in his white dress uniform. The other three Dwarfers stared at him, wondering if he’d snapped again, and if gingham dresses and penguin puppets were forthcoming any time soon. 

_The smegger always looks so damn hot in white,_ Lister caught himself thinking, as Rimmer stood at attention in front of him, and gave him what the other Dwarfers privately referred to as a Full Rimmer salute. Bewildered, Lister asked him, “What’s all this about, Arn?”, as the hologram took his hand and helped him to his feet.

Hazel eyes blazing with heat, Rimmer replied, “I’m lifting you up where you belong to prove to you that I love you,” as he effortlessly scooped Lister up into a bridal carry and cradled him to his chest.

“Wrong movie, love,” snickered Lister, wrapping his arms around his partner’s neck.

“You know I can’t tell those blasted romantic movies apart. Now, hush, Listy. You’re ruining my moment. Kryten, Cat, stop gagging, you idiots.” 

Lister reached up, removed Rimmer’s cap, and set it on his own head, saying, “This goes here. Now you’re supposed to kiss me, Big Man.” 

Rimmer brushed his lips against Lister’s cheek, then kissed him tenderly, as Cat made a good show of hacking up a nonexistent hairball, and Kryten wailed, “Sirs, please! Must you?” 

Flipping Kryten and Cat a two-finger salute, Rimmer turned on his heel and dramatically headed for the exit. He realized that the drive room door was too narrow to fit through with his precious armful too late to prevent banging Lister’s ankles on the doorframe. Irritated, Lister smacked the back of his head and yelped, “Oi, mate! Watch where you’re going before you break me legs!” As Cat and Kryten dissolved into helpless fits of laughter, Rimmer shot them a dirty look, kissed Lister in apology, and, drawing himself up to his full height in a mostly futile effort to preserve what was left of his dignity, turned sideways until he could sidle out the door. 

Rimmer could hear the others laughing all the way down the corridor. He felt the beginnings of the all-too-familiar, sick feeling of shame creeping into the pit of his simulated gut - until he looked at Lister. His partner had rested his head against the hologram’s shoulder, and was gazing up at him with soft, adoring dark eyes. Rimmer hesitated to speak for a moment, then asked, almost timidly, “Do you like me doing this, Listy?”

“I do, Arn,” Lister replied softly. “It’s sweet.”

“Is it ridiculous, though?”

“Well, yes, a bit,” Lister began. Seeing Rimmer’s crestfallen expression, he hastened to add, “But, so’s this smegged up life of ours. Ridiculous doesn’t mean that I don’t love it and welcome it, darlin’, especially when I need you. You’re a technician and a smeghead, but you’re also my officer and gentleman. Now, shut up and kiss me again, Mr. Rimmer, Sir.”

It turned out to be a very lovely evening.


End file.
